Love radically, crazily, and ridiculously. -- Kinda like how God loves you.

2012-01-14T01:25:00.002-05:00

God give me strength and courage.

To do whatever He wants me to do.

And the grace to have compassion and love for others.

Also. I want to move to San Francisco.

And I want to live a life that does not make sense unless Jesus exists.

Which is kinda scary...

Because when I look at people in the Bible that lived as though Jesus really did die and SAVED us and that Heaven is our reward--their lives were not...easy, comfortable, and safe....all things that the older I become the tighter my grip becomes attempting to hold on to the illusions.

I see God working in my life and the life on my boyfriend. And it fills me with such amazing hope and joy for the future--whatever it may hold.

Because I know that I know that I know that no matter what God is in control.

I just need to be faithful with this moment of time that I have right now and where I am right now.

All over the place. (it's how my brain works)

2012-01-13T00:18:00.003-05:00

00:15. And I am to be awake at 0550.

Good news is that hopefully I will get to go home early tomorrow because I will be in overtime after 14:00.

My world revolves around military time in case anyone was wondering lol

So so much that I could talk about I don't know where to start.

I love my job. Most days.

Am thankful for it-everyday.

It stretches my patience and compassion and I am learning so much.

Charting sucks though. lol Some days I like to imagine a world where charting isn't necessary and the gobs of time I would have to talk with my patients if I didn't have to chart ;)

I have learned to love old people though. They are so sweet and adorable *98% of the time*

I meet all sorts of interesting people. And most days I am able to find the humor in all the chaos that we create.

Stat responses are not my favorite though.

Anyways though!

Passion! was incredible. (as it always is)

Stephen was not prepared for how amazing it was--and now I don't think I'll have to drag him back :)

I left with my head and heart so full.

And they still are.

I'm trying to process it all and figure it out.

Francis, Louie, and Christine Caine along with the panel of people they had this year--absolutely floored me and messed me up.

They all made me want to drop everything I had and run into the slums/streets/brothels and love like Jesus. Setting free captives and doing something that matters with my life.

It's hard because I know that I know that I'm where I am suppose to be right now. Boyfriend, job, at home. And that I am called to be faithful and loving where God has me at right. now.

Anyways another thing I have been thinking about and discussing with Stephen is the idea of "balance" when about become a Christian. When you first become a Christian or you become fired up and want to do something "crazy" and are longing to actually live how Jesus live there are always very well meaning other believers that feel the need to insert themselves into your life and crazy plans and tell you that there needs to be a "balance". You know--Jesus would want you to love others--but it's also his plan for you to go to college and work on a career. Yes, Jesus wants you to give money and help other people--but He doesn't want you to be "unwise" God wants you to build a savings account. There must be a "balance" to everything.

The biggest problem is ^^^^ is me now. Something about that mindset has always bothered me. But I also really really like it to. I want a "balance" to exist. "Balance" in my life is very comfortable. It provides me with a small sense of security and safety. It's a warm little blanket of self disillusionment that I can throw over myself while I live in this cold, dark world.

But what if this "balance" has become something that people--that I use for an excuse.

What if Jesus didn't really come to bring balance to our tiny lives?

What if Jesus came to earth to wreck any preconceived notions in our head about what life is really about and how we should live it.?

What if Jesus wants to turn all "good" thinking upside down and calls us to trust God and depend on Him and not our security, savings accounts and jobs.?

What if Jesus really came to set us free.

Now don't hear what I'm not saying--I'm not saying school is bad. I'm not saying having a savings account is bad. I'm not saying that having a good job is bad.

And I am NOT saying that sitting on your proverbial ass and doing nothing or partying till you drop is what Jesus wants all of us to do.

Jesus wants lawyers, business men, and doctors to do his good work. But He wants them to do it for His name and his fame and his glory--not to provide them with a safe little comfortable fortress of a life.

All I'm saying is that I know that I grew up conditioned to believe that these things (school, good jobs) are what makes the world go round. Even if never said in so many words.

All I'm saying is that it's taking a bomb going off in my heart and soul and mind to get them rooted out and start to look at my life and purpose through a Jesus lenses--and not an American Christianity culture lenses.

All I'm saying is that maybe Jesus' dream for us is bigger than having a million dollars, owning a house, having 2.5 children and a nice safe, secure, comfortable life sheltered away from the world.

But what do I know.

I'm probably not "balanced" enough.

The end.

Quote

2011-12-08T22:51:00.003-05:00

You can't live on amusement. It is the froth on water - an inch deep and then the mud.

George MacDonald

I think my generation and the ones to come needs this shouted at them.

I can say that because I know I need it screamed at me every now and again. :)

Super Cute

2011-11-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

This is adorable. Super nerdy. But adorable. lol

RT Abraham Piper

I love...

2011-11-19T01:01:00.002-05:00

I love Jesus and family and friends and life and love and joy and grace and peace and mercy and trees and hot chocolate and crunchy leaves and my pillow pet and soft blankets and fluffy pillows and 70's weather and books! and laughing and smiling and thinking and people that are honest and authentic and my job! and my patients and my co-workers and hoodies and boots and shorts and jeans and my TOMS and truth and dresses and blue skies and thunderstorms and creeks and oceans and coloring and melatonin and sleep and giving gifts and many many other things.

Sometimes songs say it better than I ever could.

2011-11-16T19:14:00.006-05:00

Crack kids, track kids, hookers and robbers

The naked and hungry, mothers and fathers

Abuses, excuses, guns in your hands

And I even welcome the arrogant man

I welcome you all to the biggest of feasts

A night of no shame, to pause and to breathe

This is a night of love's renovation

A feast I am sure that could change a whole nation

Me, I am not such an excellent host

I’m one who forgives but needs it the most

I found the liar, the killer of hearts

And I ran away with a new way to start.

I journeyed a road where a bright man appeared

He looked into me, my eyes filled with tears

My breath fast and short, my heart burning deep

He gave me new eyes and a new way to see

Come as you are, as you are, as you are

I still defiled His great love ways

I felt such a famine when I ran away

I missed the presence, the voice like a song

I was nasty and dirty, I knew I was wrong

But He ran to me like a dream, like a Father

This love is not earthly, this love must be other

He carried me home and threw me a party

A party so loud, like the greatest love story

Oh, my dear friends, applaud now please

I've invited you here to announce you are free

He takes your chains, busting you out of prison

Just open your heart, let your heart come and listen

Who could accept all your pounding and screaming

Your raging, your freaking, cussing, and beating

All while He holds you and always forgiving

This is the story of love and of living

Wipe off your tears and laugh just a little

Come, break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver

Raise up a glass, a time to remember

Come, break this bread, celebrate the Forgiver

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want this to be me. I want to welcome and be kind and gracious to everyone.

No matter what they have done.

Because I should get Forgiveness and Grace.

And Mercy and Love too.

Because it's been freely given to me.

God help me love you and love people.

Long time coming...

2011-11-14T19:27:00.003-05:00

*Disclaimer. I know people may get upset about this post. And that's ok. I'm just working these things out in my own head, mind, and heart. They weigh heavily on me--and if you are at all involved I'm sure they weigh heavily on you as well. All I can ask is that you never trust anyone fully and completely...except Jesus. No one deserves it--they will fail you. And you idolizing them to where you trust them with everything and won't believe they are capable of A, B, C, or D--will mess them up.

If you have any problem or think that I am way off and completely stupid or wrong--please email me at MingWai19@gmail.com and let me know. I want to know if I am wrong and always enjoy a good discussion. :)*

I think two of the most influential forces that humans can obtain in this life are Money and Power.

Unfortunately these two things have an incredible about of power to mess. us. up.

Power makes us feel like we are way more important than we actually are. It can corrupt even the most staunch believer and it's addictive tendrils find a way to penetrate the most humble of individuals. It makes us feel like we are important...it puffs us up.

Money is addictive and it makes us feel secure. Don't believe me? Let me empty your bank account or I'll give you a million dollars. Watch how your feeling of security changes.

Power does weird things to me (though I've never really had much of it-thankfully) and money does really weird things to me. I have to be really really careful because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle alot of either one.

This being said...I find this whole thing with Crossway to be really really sad... all the way around... I honestly don't really agree completely with anyone. I think we are all messed up, screwed up, and human.

God know's that I've done stupid, retarded, sinful things. And He knows that I still continue to do things like that now, so that being said I'm not to say that I know everything or that I am better. Because I'm not.

Now I wasn't at the CW family meeting last night--so I'm not sure that everything that I've heard is accurate or in the right context...but that being said I don't think that anyone...even pastors should ask anyone...much less their entire congregation to trust them blindly...

Like I said--I'm not the smartest person but there's something about that...that just doesn't sit right with me... It makes me really uneasy and I'm not quite sure how it is to be considered ok...

All throughout history religion has been used a tool, a mechanism that men have used to manipulate and control people. Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, ect. ect. the list goes on and on.

And part of how these institutions would try to wield their congregation or the population in general was by controlling what information they read or heard. Always under the guise that people were not educated or strong enough to handle it themselves and therefore had to be "protected".

Sidenote: But you know...If I was possibly going to lose my source of income (money) and power that I had amassed over the years I may do the same thing...But for the grace of God go I...

This is ONE of the reasons religion--sucks. And this is why I am not interested in it in the least.

Give me a relationship with Jesus. Give me the Holy Spirit to guide me. Give me community with people that are just as messed up as I am but are loved just as much as I am.

Excuse my language but screw everything else.

I personally think that SGM is kind of messed up from the core on out. But I'm not 100% on board with the other side either.

People that I love and are my friends are being thrown into the mix and it's beginning to upset me.

Ofcourse the fact that I'm dating a Detwiler doesn't exactly help my situation either. Sometimes I wonder what on earth God was thinking when He thought that one up.

I am not a sit there lay down and just accept whatever is fed to me type of person. Lol I've tried doing that actually and it makes me a very volatile and moody person.

Here's the facts-- I don't trust my parents completely, I don't trust CJ Mahaney completely, I don't trust Josh Harris completely (even if I do admire and love how he is handling everything) , I don't trust Francis Chan completely (although I admire him ALOT), I don't trust Brent Detwiler completely, I don't trust my friends completely (even though I love, adore and would do anything for them), ect...Heck I don't trust myself completely.

We're all human--we all fall short every single freaking day.

And God still loves us anyways.

So how about we root ourselves in Jesus and not other people.

Because when the bottom drops out and I guarantee you it will for everyone--He's the only on that's going to be left standing.

So here is to Jesus. Here's to His love. Here is to holding His hand and being brave even when the bottom drops.

Here is to finding my security in HIM and HIM ALONE.

*end tirade*

2011-10-11T00:05:00.003-04:00

Everyone has a story.

Everyone has regrets.

We have all just become masters at hiding it.

This is what I have discovered.

Or we are the only ones that have kids like this. (silly children have a way of not doing what you want them too and getting in trouble.)

We all dance around imagining that we are the only ones that could possibly feel this way.

I wonder what we would do if for a day we just put down the masks and looked at each other.

I think we would be surprised about the things we would see.

Whoever you are--wherever you are in life.

You're never alone.

Ever.

I promise other people screw up too.

2011-10-11T00:02:00.002-04:00

I am a sinner bought at a great price.

I am the son that ran away from a loving father.

I am the self-righteous son that stayed.

I died and am alive in Christ.

I am a daughter deeply loved.

And that is so much more than enough for me.

2011-10-10T23:53:00.003-04:00

I was listening to Jason Gray's new CD on the way to work (big surprise) lol

But there is a song called Nothing is Wasted.

And that thought struck me.

Nothing.

Is.

Wasted.

Some how and some way my Redeemer picks up all the little broken pieces of my life--and including even the most cracked bits creates a beautiful work of art.

And sometimes it's the pieces that are the most screwed up that add the most beauty to these paintings that are our lives.

I think when I get to heaven--I'm going to look back at my life with my mouth agape and be absolutely astounded at what God was working out behind the scenes.

Everything for my good and His glory.

Craziness.

Jason Gray!

2011-10-09T21:26:00.002-04:00

Has a new album!! :)

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I cant receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it ...?

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love
That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
----------------------------------------------------

There's something that rises up in me when I hear these lyrics, it comes from deep within me and I want this to be my song.

God loves me.

And He loved me first.

And He will love me til the last.

And nothing I or anyone else can do can snatch me out of His hand.

Cause He calls me beloved daughter.

And that's enough for me. period.

Let me remember what grace is.

Now I must wake up much to early and go to work and I have a 2.5mg tablet of melatonin surging through my blood stream so I'm going to bed.

Goodnight everyone :)

random

2011-10-01T22:57:00.002-04:00

I am a really depressing writer most of the time aren't I?

Haha, I guess writing is my therapy when I am feeling especially crappy.

Some people drink, smoke, I write. lol

Sometimes I wish I could have a cute blog. Kinda like Lauren's--with cute stories about my life and about nursing. And just be overall adorable kinda like her :)

OR I wish I could have some super awesome blog like Brant Hansen with witty intellectual posts.

But alas. I am not them. (darn it)

I am Ming and I am stuck with my crazy rambling brain and ADD self. (I don't really have ADD I just lack focus sometimes lol)

I am also sick. Nursing a cold that has decided to make a home in my sinus with tea and Vitamin C. :)

This comes probably from getting my wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday--and then trying to work Friday--and not being able to because I threw up/almost passed out...whoops.

In other news...life has been ok. Nothing exciting and for me this is good. I need a break.

I'm tired of getting my heart wrung out to be honest. lol

I know God's here with me though... If He wasn't I would be a mental nutcase. ;) Or maybe...I am already--it's debatable :)

Walking some of the stuff that springs up in my life is hard though... Or I guess knowing how to walk it out in the right way.? If that makes any sense.

I'm trying to just have faith though...God is for me and not against me. This is all for my good and His glory. My job is to love.

May that be the drum beat that I march to.

One of those days.

2011-09-03T21:33:00.002-04:00

[this is not how my head normally is--I promise I am not a severely depressed person lol--it's just that I most feel like writing when I feel this way]

There are days that I am tired.

Tired of faith.

Tired of hope.

Tired of dreams.

Tired of caring.

This is not my normal state of being--but every once in a while this thought pattern rears it's ugly stinking head.

There are days that I feel like a rock that keeps getting beaten by towering ocean waves over and over and over again.

And there are days that even the knowledge that God is using those waves to soften my jagged hard edges is not enough to sooth my aching heart and soul.

I was driving down the road the other day. Listening to DCB.

Send me a sign
A hint, a whisper
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading

Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

Blaring ^^ that song. And it's funny because it completely captured how I felt at that moment in time. With just a touch more bitterness and anger in my heart. Actually it was more like me screaming at the heavens telling God that I really need him bad.

There is so much pain in this world. So much suffering. So much nonsense.

People are just stupid.

Did you know that?

They make stupid decisions that hurt themselves and others.

And I do it too.

Words spoken to quickly. A decision to hold on to wrongs instead of forgiving lavishly.

These are the days that I feel about this | tall and about worth as much as dirt.

I feel as though God is sitting up there in the clouds with His head buried in His hands thinking that I will never learn and get it.

The Gospel seems to good to be true.

Omnipotent being wrapped in the form of a human. Coming to rescue me. Revive me. Love me.

The good news that the Kingdom is here. right. now.

That God is not counting my sins against me. Shocking grace. Scandalous forgiveness.

I hate my head sometimes.

How am I suppose to enter the Kingdom of God as a child when I was born with the freaking head of an adult.?

I believe but help my unbelief is what I shouting at the heavens right now.

Random thoughts...

2011-08-24T18:34:00.002-04:00

I have forgotten how good I am at procrastinating at school :P

Everyone has an interesting story--if I only take the time to listen.

I love my job--even on the bad days.

I love God--He is awesome.

I am free to love and forgive :)

My mom is seriously the nicest most patient women I know.

I am such an old woman on nights before I work--I go to bed at like 8 lol

I am going to shut up now :)

2011-08-20T09:14:00.001-04:00

God said it

I interpreted it

as best I could in light of all the filters

imposed by my upbringing and culture,

which I try to control but you can never do a perfect job

That doesn't exactly settle

but it but it does give me enough of a platform

to base my values and decisions on.

tshirt. http://www.cafepress.co.uk/God_said_it

I like it :)

Humility is realizing that I do not have all the answers.

Longggggggggggg

2011-08-18T18:16:00.005-04:00

Life feels complicated.

But...

Life is really simple.

This is my mantra right now.

I am a planner by nature. I am not organized with paperwork and school and all the little things of life-but my head is like a well run filing system. I can think about and make plans for the future as easily as I breathe. lol

So that being said sometimes I struggle because...well I like my plans working out how...well I plan them. And I struggle because sometimes I can't seem to find a plan that I like for a situation--so then my brain goes into overdrive and I start having a minor panic attack.

I think I'm like the majority of humanity--I like safety, comfort, and security.

I never like it when money is tight, I never enjoy not knowing the outcome of a situation, and I never like the monkey wrenches that it seem that God likes to throw into my well laid and if I do say so myself sometimes quite brilliant plans. lol

Today I was driving and my overactive mind was starting to get the better of me--my head starts going crazy and I start thinking about everything I have to do and need to do and how on earth is this going to work and how much I mess up and how much everyone else messes up and...well you get the idea. lol

And let me just say right now that I am a big big fan of Andrew Peterson. His music calms my seemingly ever active mind. So I flip on my ipod and start listening to this song.

There is more
More than all this pain
More than all the falling down
And the getting up again
There is more
More than we can see
From our tiny vantage point
In this vast eternity
There is more
There is more than what the naked eye can see
Clothing all our days with mystery
Watching over everything
Wilder than our wildest dreams
Could ever dream to be
There is more...

So I stopped freaking out--and had to remind myself--this stuff I am in the middle of, these decisions, these situations--are really not that important. I mean they are important--I don't want to diminish the importance of life and the choices I make here... But I guess what I am saying is that sometimes...well most of the time to me this life here--the daily grind so to speak feels like the end all be all. And it's really not.

There are reasons for the things that go on in my life that I may never fully understand this side of eternity. There is an aspect of mystery to this thing we call life--and that's ok.

This life that I am living right now--is just such a tiny blip on the timeline that is eternity. And what I do here does matter--but how I trust and how much faith I have and how I love is what really matters. Not how I do in school, not how much money I have, pretty much not anything that the world measures success by matters--lol now I just have to truly internalize this.

2011-08-17T17:09:00.002-04:00

There are lots of things bouncing around in this head of mine.

Thoughts about God, life, people, forgiveness, love, school, work, how much I love toms and scrubs ect. ect. lol

Some say we need a miracle
Some say there's no hope at all
but I know that Your love is strong

I love those lyrics.

I'm such a strange person. and weird. and dorky. Or maybe I'm not and I just like thinking that I am unique. lol

But from time to time I get in these pensive thoughtful moods and tonight is one of them....I think. haha

One of the things that's been on my head today--is that sometimes I just can't stand Christians (and I'm throwing myself in there lol)

We just seem to fight over the stupidest things.

And the thing that's horrible is that we seem to hold everyone else to higher standards than we hold to ourselves. And I know I've done it--and I hate it.

Why can't life be simple.? Why can't we just love Jesus, love other people, and long for heaven?

lol Heck why can't I just do those three things--instead of consistently messing up every. single. day. *head smack on the keyboard*

You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

These lyrics also seem to be my theme song for the past few weeks. God seems to keep throwing stuff in my life--its gotten to be a bit ridiculous. lol

But it's been good for me. so good for me.

Alright I am going to shut up and stop being Ms. Cryptic lol and start cleaning up this mess of a room I have.

Love God&Love People

Ming

fair or forgiveness.?

2011-08-10T23:52:00.003-04:00

"Someone always pays a price when forgiveness happens. There is a price that has to be paid." -Brant Hansen

When someone makes a choice that hurts you in some way there is a cost that comes with it.

It is a price that must be paid.

And in the moment--you have a decision to make--do you make the person pay the price that their choice.

Do you make them pay for what they have done?

Maybe it would be cutting words that you could say that would make them hurt they way they deserve. Maybe it's a physical price that you think they should pay. Turning over and over in your head what they did to you and how horrible it was?

Or...do you absorb the cost. Do you choose to pay the price for what they have done?

Swallow the words that would hurt? Pay the debt that they have earned? Choose to stop reliving what they did to you over and over again in your head? Deciding not to hold onto the anger?

That is what forgiveness is... it is paying the price of letting something go--that might even deserve to be held onto.

I know it's not fair. I know there is something that rises up in all of us with indignation when the thought of forgiving "that" one thing.

God's been teaching me much on this subject. And inside I have felt that feeling welling up inside of me indignant and upset because I would much rather at times let the other person pay the price for their own actions. That would be fair!

I am hurt already--it's not fair that I have to pay another price. It's just not.

But here are the facts people--this thing called life...it's not fair.

Something are deserved...but...

Sometimes we all get things we don't deserve--good and bad.

And we should be glad for it. At least I am--I wouldn't like to get a speeding ticket every time that I went over the speed limit. lol

And the fact is that if God could forgive me--and pay the price that I was was suppose to pay-then you know what...

I am glad that life isn't fair.

silly people

2011-08-10T21:09:00.004-04:00

Life is confusing. And I find the older I get the more confusing it becomes.

I come to find out-- that apparently even though I am not 5 anymore--there is still mentality in females that females are better and males think--well that males are better.

I have an announcement ladies and gentleman...

Men can be really stupid.

....

But guess what...

Women can be really stupid too.

*gasp*

Shocker I know.

Fact is that--people can just be stupid.

All humans at one point or another in their short lives--make some dumb decisions.

Grant it some more than others.

But we all do it.

Thankfully.

God loves us all anyways.

----------------------------------------------

You see all of the pieces

But I see a life I can mold

You see a bunch of blank pages

But I see potential untold

Before you give up

Before your heart breaks

Open your eyes to this picture of grace, and just...

Slow down, take a breath in this moment

Leave all the worries you're carrying

Be still in the midst of this madness

Let go of all that you fear

'Cause I've already set your heart free

So leave all the changing to me

You see the doubt and the questions

But I see the wrestling with faith

You see someone worth nothing

But I see someone I can save

Life is a long road

So hard to follow

You feel like you'll never win

Just trust in my love

And let me take care of the rest

So you can begin

-Chasen

Love.

It.

My anthem today.

2011-08-05T21:50:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Honestly.

2011-07-30T08:09:00.004-04:00

I was not in a good place last night.

So I had a bit of yelling match with the Creator of the Universe.

This is NOT how I pictured my life. Not what I pictured when I imagined God's plan for my life. This is NOT the path that I imagined myself walking--nor is it one that I ever wanted to walk.

And I hear God say--
"You're the one who said that you wanted to do whatever it is that I called you to."
"But...I thought it meant like moving to Tibet and taking care of little orphaned children! I thought it was something not so senseless!"
"Well it's not. It's to be here right now and it's to walk this out full of My grace, love, forgiveness, and mercy and spilling it on people as you go. This is what I have made you for. This is what I have been preparing you for."
"But this isn't what I want to do... God you want me to walk this out--but honestly I just want to run away--far away."
"I'm sorry but this is bigger than what you want.?

And then I got a picture in my head. A picture of me following behind my Father through huge snow drifts. And the only that I could make it through the massive piles of snow was to walk behind Him in His footprints.

Now-- I know the end of the story kids--but I don't know how I am going to get there--I don't know the details of the journey--and that terrifies me.

I've come up to another bend in this road of my life--and I can't see around the bend. There seem to be alot of hairpin turns in my life right now.

And part of me wants to just stand right where I am frozen--staring at that frightening bend.

And the other part of me wants to run with my might in the opposite direction.

Because around the bend could be more pain and sorrow--it could break my heart. And I don't know how much more my heart can take.

But I'm going to do it. I'm not going to stand frozen--I'm not going to book it and high tail in it in the opposite direction.

I'm going to walk this out. One foot in front of another. One day at a time.

I'm sure there will be tears. pain. and heart break.

But this is the world we live in. The broken, wailing, and lost world.

And it's full of broken, wailing and lost people. And broken lost people--well they hurt other people.

It's how it is this side of heaven. And it sucks. It sucks so bad.

But my home isn't here anyways.

And sometimes the pain is a good reminder of that.

So everyone--here is to the crooked path that is our lives. Lets walk it out.

Songs that have been a healing balm to my soul right now.

Feels like the hurricane has come,
Feels like this ship is sinking,
These skies have seem they are empty of your mercy tonight,
Sometimes the mystery of grace runs deeper then I am thinking,
In the dark I find your light,

When I am over my head yeah,
I am waiting for a miracle,
I am fighting the wind and the waves,
Then the weight of this storm drives me straight to your arms,
You hold me I know that I am safe in the eye of the hurricane,
In the eye of the hurricane.

Sometimes I am crying for relief,
God let this night be over,
One word if you would speak could silence the storm,
Instead your mercy has a way of turning heart ache to faith,
So that hope will be reborn,

When I am too weak to make it through,
That's when you draw me close to you,
One thing that I know is always true,
That your love doesn't change,

-Eye of the Hurricane

You said You'd never leave or forsake me
When You said this life is gonna shake me
And You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on

When I see the darkness all around me
When I see that tragedy has found me
I still believe Your faithful arms will never let me go
And still I know

Sorrow will last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
It's rising with the sun
And there will be storms in this life
But I know You have overcome
You have overcome

--Everything Falls

Take the wind from my sail
Throw the anchor over my rails
Cause I know I'm not always the quickest to concede
When it's best that I fail
Don't let my will prevail
Cause my salvation is my magnificent defeat

--Hold me Back

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son, who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl, thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking

You're worth it, you can’t earn it
yeah the cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

--Someone Worth Dying For

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
When I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

--Lift me Up

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren’t around
I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that’s forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that’s the cost I’ll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

--7x70

I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
And His grace will lead you home

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands

--Arms that Hold the Universe

2011-07-11T01:47:00.002-04:00

There is always something isn't there?

If it's not one thing it's other.

God is good though. Everything for my good and His glory. Right?

It's what I have to cling to sometimes.... Clinging to it like a raft in the middle of the ocean.

After the last tear falls

After the last secret's told

After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone

After the last child starves

And the last girl walks the boulevard

After the last year that's just too hard

There is love

2011-07-09T00:14:00.000-04:00

Am I to idealistic?

crazy?

or maybe I'm just not crazy enough...

Maybe I'm right about this but don't have the courage to do anything about it.

...

2011-06-24T09:48:00.002-04:00

Ahhhhhhh why do I have to be serious.

Most of the time I am quite alright with being me-nerdy pensive serious clumsy tall thoughtful quiet.

But every once in a while I become a complete stereotypical girl and the doubts and insecurities come sweeping in riding on the waves of my sometimes unstable emotions.

And for a while I wish I was like (fill in the blank) about (any number of things).

Oh well....

2011-06-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

Take the wind from my sail
Throw the anchor over my rails
Cause I know I'm not always the quickest to concede
When it's best that I fail
Don't let my will prevail
Cause my salvation is my magnificent defeat

Love this.

I think I would be friends with Jason Gray...

2011-06-18T23:22:00.004-04:00

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice

And I'm weary of adding to the noise

And I'm fearful of missing the point of it all

I remember the way it used to be

The way this love felt like the first day of spring

And I want this back more than anything in the world

It's as cold as winter in my veins

And I long to feel the summer rain

Can you take me back to where it all began?

Jesus I come, come to you again

Just like it was the first time

I came to you for new life

I need you now, as much as I did then

I need a new beginning

So Jesus I am coming

For the first time again

I'm jaded from all that I have seen

I'm bitter, but I don't want to be

I'm believing, can you help my unbelief?

Sometimes I think I know too much

But even then it's not enough

Can you take me back so I can move ahead?

Take me deep inside the grace that forgets

Instead of down the well worn path of my regrets

I'm older than I've ever been

Can you take me back and make me new again?

Cause I need you now, as much as I did then...

I love this song so much.

It puts words to the feelings that I have had so many times...

Cause I feel like the older I become--the more I should be able to figure this out.

The more I should be able to "fix" myself.

I forget so easily how the kingdom of God works.

Everything is backwards there...

The weaker are really stronger...

The poor are the rich...

When you embrace death is when you truly live...

When you hold on to everything is when you lose it all...

Only when you let go do you gain everything...

The longer I live--the more I will find I need God...

God help me. Take me deep into the love that forgets.

Cause--I need you as much as I did then...

2011-06-15T13:41:00.003-04:00

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy

I love that thought.

That everything that happens is part some divine conspiracy.

That even when it seems that everything is falling apart and there couldn't possibly be anything good that could come from our circumstances--that God is behind the scenes weaving a story more breathtaking and beautiful than we could ever imagine.

Even our mistakes. our failings. our sins.

The truth that He is bigger than it all and is conspiring everything for His glory and as Christians our good (his idea of good not ours).

Muddled Thoughts.

2011-06-14T21:06:00.004-04:00

So It's been forever peoples.

Words seem to come and go these days...

There is so much I think I have to say--but then when I sit to write, I can't seem to form a coherent sentence.

Words that use to flow so easily from my head onto paper (or the keyboard) seem to be unable to find themselves out of my head.

I feel different these days.

I feel older?

pessimistic?

jaded?

At least some days. lol

Is this what growing up does to you?

I keep thinking that I can fix everything. Well not everything but alot of stuff and the more and more I live life--the more I find I can't.

The more I discover that this earth is crying because all is not well the more it makes me ache for heaven.

//Give me rules, I will break them

Show me lines, I will cross them//

The more I watch relationships between broken sinful people the more it makes me long for everything to be made new.

//Give me words, I’ll misuse them
Obligations, I’ll misplace them//

The more I find out about myself the more that I try to "fix" myself. And inevitably I find that I can't fix myself--so then I try to fix that I can't fix myself and you can about imagine how well that works out for me.

//I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet//

I think--and this is really hard for me to admit to myself--but I have thought for so so so long that I can fix myself. And still deep down I think I can.

//It's gotta be

More like falling in love than something to believe in
More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out, come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling in love//

Don't misunderstand I "know" that I can't without God and that He is the only one that can truly change and fix me. But I think that somehow someway that I can do the right then if I just try hard enough I can do it. It's so hard to let go of control isn't it? Or at least what we perceive as being in our control.

//‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free//

I want to be free. Really truly and utterly free.

//Deeper and deeper
It was love that made me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me//

Jesus help me please. Break me down and make me new.

2011-03-10T13:53:00.001-05:00

I love goat cheese with crackers.

And I love being done with 1000 nclex questions :)

2011-03-02T23:53:00.001-05:00

apparently my instructor also had a pet goat when she was a child named Suzie.

And 1/2 of my clinical group enjoys shooting potato guns lol

2011-03-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

Also according to my clinical group you should never marry--

1. A nurse

2. A doctor

3. An EMS

4. A Fireman

5. A police officer

lol

2011-03-01T15:40:00.002-05:00

While my clinical group was talking about volunteering at the Atlanta Aquarium to swim with big white beluga whales

My instructor quips, "You could just get in bed with some patients and get the same experience. I saw some today."

We all nearly died.

I love her.

2011-02-21T01:32:00.000-05:00

Jesus doesn't diminish sin. He is the answer for it. He is not shocked by it. He is not stunned. He is not amazed. He is not struck anew, all over again, by it. He's already been struck, and His response was to ask, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they're doing."

2011-02-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

It's always a sucker-punch. "Sin" is an enduring word, because it's always been the same, before robots, space travel, or human writing, for that matter: Trade the real for the unreal, and be left, ultimately... holding nothingness.

- Brant Hansen

I am tired. But God loves me. And I will make it.

2011-02-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

"Love—the true kind of love, the kind of love that overflows inside of us because of who God is and who we are and who He has born us anew to be—ought to pervade every piece of our life." -Brian Colmery

random.

2011-02-06T23:31:00.003-05:00

After one of the most frustrating, emotional, tiring weeks of my still very short life---I am feeling so much better. I was just getting so worn down and exhausted--on top of the fact that I felt absolutely incompetent and dumb. In the class room and clinical.

Let's just leave it at that.

I still have 143289432 things to do--but after some much much much needed sleep this weekend I feel much much much better.

God is in control. God is in control

He is good! For His glory and my good--he will work everything out.

I need that to be the mantra of my life.

Here's to the start of another week!

PS. I find it entertaining when people post things as their status about people that they have as friends. Biting little comments or complaints about people for the whole world to read.

Really? Are we still that immature? Can't we just tell the person? Or ask them? Why send cryptic messages through facebook?

And no--I am not talking about you whoever you are. lol It's just been a trend I've seen. It makes me sad...

If I have a problem with me--please tell me. I may even get mad or offended at first--but I promise that I will thank you later.

Ming

2011-01-30T22:16:00.001-05:00

Here goes nothing and everything at the same time...

To feel compassion is to feel that we are in some sort and to some extent responsible for the pain that is being inflicted, that we ought to do something about it.

- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

I want to be a good nurse.

2011-01-28T00:26:00.003-05:00

I am addicted to Saunders NCLEX questions.

It's sad but true.

Clinicals went well this week, my instructor is very...excitable and kind of intimidating to me but it's ok. She's just so smart that I sometimes feel so stupid when I talk with her or ask her questions... But it's ok.

I absolutely loved CVIMC (Cardiovascular Intermediate Care). The nurses were incredibly nice and helpful. I had two different nurses on Tuesday and Wednesday and they both were incredible teachers and so patient. The more I continue on in the hospital the more and more I like critical care. I love kids and I loved peds but critical care is just so interesting.

Alright well I'm done--I need to study. I have a test on Monday and it looks like it's going to be....slightly difficult. (understatement of the century)

All I have to say is that I'm so so excited to have our program head teaching again.

She is by far and away my favorite lecture teacher and one of my top favorite clinical teachers as well. So I welcome this Cardiac Unit with open arms! :) Lets just get this Respiratory out of the way!

sigh

2011-01-24T22:50:00.005-05:00

Today was not my day.

I had to take a CAP test at school so I can graduate. Basically it's a glorified SAT. Anyways, that was at eight am today--I had all these grand plans of getting up at seven eating breakfast--taking my time.

My mom got home last night and we talked till about two about how my dad's parents were doing what was going on ect. So I was exhausted when I went to bed and forgot to set my alarm. So I wake up this morning--and the first thought that floods my mind is "I feel way to good right now for it just to be seven am. Turn and the clock says 8:22. I freaked. Literally threw my clothes on kind of brushed my teeth--ran a brush through my hair grabbed a pencil, my school badge, and a calculator. Raced to my car jumped in and got to school by 8:35. Thankfully Mrs. Ferguson was amazing and let me take all of the test except for the writing part--which I now have to go in at 8 am on Thursday to take it. But it's ok.

I just hate being late to anything--much less a freaking test. *sigh*

So then afterwards I run home change into clothes I can go to the hospital in to pick up my patient assignment. Get there about twoish and proceed to write down patient meds, history, ect ect. One and a half hours later--I am finished and proceed to introduce myself to my patient--only to find that she is going home in the morning. Grrrrrrrrr! lol I then had to pick up another patient--do paperwork on him introduce myself--then race over to RCCC so that I am not late for my tutoring there.

It was so much fun.

But in all acuality it wasn't that bad. My life isn't bad at all--in fact it's great. I have nothing to complain about--most...the majority of people have it alot worse than I do.

Now I am going to bed and going to try and survive the rest of this week--then we can tackle the rest of this semester :)

Dear God, Help me.
Also Thank you for everythinggggg :)

I'll leave you this quote to think about...

“The place where God calls you is where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep hunger.” -Frederick Buechner

2011-01-21T00:23:00.000-05:00

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Dear God. Please save me this semester. I can't do this without you.
Ming

2011-01-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

Clinical Prep done.
Now going to bed because 5:30 comes way to quickly lol

2011-01-17T10:13:00.002-05:00

I love this song so much lol

2011-01-16T23:11:00.002-05:00

This semester is going to be pretty difficult.

I'm thinking of quiting facebook until May 10th--like it's gonna be that difficult.

And I have to read this semester. Ugh.

Let's see how my first clinical goes this week.

Pray for me please.

2011-01-11T22:59:00.001-05:00

‎"Crippled people come to church right? We all come we've got our issues we're messed up. But traditionally what the church has done is rather than rehabbing people--we put them in a wheelchair and just push them around." -Francis Chan

Only in Nursing School...

2011-01-11T09:37:00.002-05:00

Would I be sitting at home on a snow day--doing a complete clinical tool on a fictional patient.

Lol.

11 pages on a fake person.

Dear God--help my sanity. lol

2011-01-09T21:14:00.001-05:00

Goodbye Christmas break--it's been awesome.

2011-01-06T02:42:00.001-05:00

"Most surprising to me was their response when I told them about “church” in America. I did not expect the response I got when I explained how common it is for people to switch churches if they find another with better child-care, better music, or a more gifted speaker. They laughed really hard. It was weird. It was like they thought I was joking. It opened my eyes to the uniqueness of our situation. Remember that India and China combined represent almost 40% of the world’s population. The U.S. represents about 4%. Too often I have looked at other cultures as being strange. I forget that we are the minority."

- http://francischan.org/#/updates

We're so strange.

What do you think Church is about?

Nasty little things viruses are...lol

2011-01-05T14:42:00.003-05:00

Sore throats and gunk in your lungs and sinus are not the most fun thing ever.

Remedy--gargle 1tsp of cayenne pepper in a glass of warm water

Drink lemon honey peppermint tea

Chicken noodle soup

Pray.

And do not complain.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/01/04/afghanistan.child.trash.scavenger/index.html?hpt=C2

because I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

Jesus has rescued me

2011-01-05T01:17:00.000-05:00

"Drinking water before and during a meal helps keep you hydrated and can make you feel full on fewer calories. Drinking water satisfies the craving for having something to put in your mouth instead of a cigarette. One recent study showed that sipping cold water through a straw triggers the release of dopamine, a feel-good hormone in the brain that may counteract stress."

http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/quit-smoking-10/avoid-weight-gain?ecd=wnl_lbt_122210&v=PFX&p=UNK

What do I carry.

2011-01-05T00:49:00.002-05:00

"Where you go is not as important as what you carry."

Louie Giglio

I want to carry the name of Jesus. To everyone I know.

Because right now, I carry about everything else...

Love it. Read it.

2011-01-04T01:58:00.001-05:00

I say the local church is so much more, so much better than that. It is no mere institution. It has to be more.

McDonalds offers some pretty tasty fries. We offer, in living color, the world's only hope.

-Brant Hansen.

http://www.morningswithbrant.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=545:just-to-be-clear-about-the-400000-pastor&catid=1:brants-brane&Itemid=13#JOSC_TOP

Sometimes David Crowder Lyrics

2011-01-04T01:01:00.004-05:00

God created appetites-sin distorted them.

Appetites aren't bad--they are just broken.

-Andy Stanley

(and yes--I did type all these lyrics up lol)

Sometimes--David Crowder Lyrics

Sometimes everyone of us feels

like we'll never be healed...

Sometimes...

Sometimes everyone of us aches

like we'll never be saved

Sometimes...

When we've given up let your healing come

When there's nothing left let your healing come!

Til we're rising up let your healing come

Where you go we will follow!

It's your love that we adore it's like a sea without a shore

We're lost in you

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's like we'll never atone

For all the love we've known

Sometimes like in the smile or a song when you feel it come.

Then that feelings gone...

It flies.

We we've given up let your healing come

When there's nothing left let your healing come

Til we're rising up let Your healing come

Where you go we will follow!

It's your love that we adore it's like a sea without a shore

We're lost in you

Don't be afraid!

Just set your sail!

Let's risk the ocean; there's only grace!!!!!!!

Where you go we will follow-I'm on my knees!

Where you go we will follow-Oh God save me!

Oh God SEND ME!

It's your love that we adore it's like a sea without a shore

We're lost in you!

-David Crowder

The last thing we want to do is create a rah-rah conference.

-Francis Chan

Love him.

2011-01-03T02:48:00.000-05:00

It's Your love that we adore. It's like a sea without a shore!

Don't be afraid!

Just set your sail--and risk the ocean.

There's only grace!!!!

-David Crowder

2011-01-03T00:47:00.003-05:00

I am watching passion now.

I miss it so much.

Being there with the bass vibrating through your body and surrounded by people who want to proclaim Jesus.

I listened to part of Francis' message and Louie's message tonight.

Gah. I want my life to make sense in light of what I believe.

So bad.

God please help me...

2010-12-29T00:30:00.001-05:00

Plan tomorrow.

Bake bread. Clean room. Do laundry.

I freaking love talking to old friends. He doesn't hate me anymore (I think) :)

2010-12-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

It's been a wonderful holiday and I am ready for it to be over though ;)

Also--we finally have gotten a white Christmas in Charlotte!!!!

Hmmmm

2010-12-24T07:05:00.002-05:00

"By saying there is not truth you are implying that you are speaking truth. And if you are taking notes ladies and gentleman that is called an arguement that commits suicide. It's like saying my brother is an only child or I can't speak a word in English--as soon as you say it--it is not true"

-Scott Klusendorf

2010-12-21T11:59:00.001-05:00

‎"Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog."
— Philip Yancey

I love this song.

2010-12-20T01:14:00.000-05:00

"Love Is The Reversal"

Welcome to the worldwide train wreck
Welcome to the come undone
Welcome to the big rejection
Welcome to the hit and run
Where mercy cries for everyone

Yeah, nothing is as good as it should be
'Cause this is the rehearsal
Yeah, in between the was and the could be
Love is the reversal

I believe we're underwater
I believe the engine's blown
Yeah I believe our secret longings
Tell us that we're not at home
But grace reclaims what the world disowns

2010-12-20T01:00:00.002-05:00

We rebelled. God loved. We fought His ways. God made a peace offering. Grace is gloriously backwards!

-Louie Giglio

I love God.

Louie is pretty awesome though too. :)

Today Stephen and I wrapped all of his presents that he got for him famdamily. It was enjoyable.

In other news--my dad was cranky today--this leads to a very unpleasant household. lol

2010-12-19T12:18:00.000-05:00

‎"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."
— Francis Chan

2010-12-17T23:46:00.001-05:00

I want to learn to love better--and I strongly dislike arrogant people.

God give me grace to love them too.

real forgiveness

2010-12-16T21:26:00.001-05:00

"all sins forgiven. slate wiped clean."

That sounds really good...

2010-12-15T11:42:00.001-05:00

Grr God what do I do....?

2010-12-14T23:29:00.002-05:00

I'm going to honest.

I had a lovely time with my Lauren friend tonight.

She makes me want to be a better person and it revives my soul when I spend time with her. It is so refreshing to spend time who shares your opinions about Christianity and what Gods heart is.

We talked about how lukewarm people in churches

How God has called us for so much more

And how church has become a show and how we beg people to come.

And is that what Jesus did?

Now here is where I'm going to be scarily honest.

I kind of changed my thought process--and not for a good reason. When my boyfriend and I started dating--I changed how I thought about things because I didn't want to "scare" him off. I tried to become less radical--less crazy--less ridiculous. I rationalized it--told myself that I was wrong before.

Slowly though over the past year or so God's been chipping away at my issues. And changing me and Stephen as well. As I see how drastically Stephen's changed--even in the way he thinks about things, it's reminding me to trust God.

If he is the man for me--then God will be faithful to mold him into the man that he is meant to be just as he promised to faithfully mold me into the woman that I need to be.

And I need to trust God.

Cause when it comes down to it--it's a trust issue.

Do I trust God enough to give him everything?

Even my feelings?

Do I believe that God is going to hold my heart and my hand gently?

Do I believe that He works everything out for the good of those who love Him?

And Dear God--I want to love you.

Help me love you.

2010-12-08T15:07:00.001-05:00

lets get this done and knock it out! :)

2010-12-06T23:45:00.002-05:00

Also-do loads and loads of laundry ;)

One final stands between me and freedom.

And I need an 87 for a B.

Yes, getting a 75 on a test (when your tests are worth 20% of your grade will totally screw you over :P)

No chance for an A--but I will live (hopefully) ;)

How come the more I get to know God--the less I feel I do...lol

List

2010-12-05T23:32:00.002-05:00

Things to do after school during Christmas break.

Talk to God
Give Stephen a hug and tell him how glad I am it's over lol
CLEAN ROOM (my room literally looks like an atomic bomb went off)
Read books (lots and lots and lots :))
Finish buying Christmas presents
Wrap Christmas presents
Work
Study for the NCLEX
Talk to friends
Hang out with Justin (and maybe Madison as well :))
See my Lauren friend
See Cassie

2010-12-05T02:03:00.001-05:00

I love my little "brother" Justin. Seriously.

Lol He listens to me and we are friends.

Plus he's pretty entertaining.

4 more days!

2010-12-03T23:20:00.001-05:00

5. more. days.

Scary....

2010-12-02T22:40:00.002-05:00

One. More. Week.

I struggle though. I struggle because saying things that I believe offends people and they get mad.

And I hate making people mad.

Dear God,

Please help me.

Help me declare you and stand up for what is good, right, just, and true.

Even if the world stands against me.

Amen.

Wrestle

2010-12-01T21:35:00.002-05:00

Do I really believe that my weaknesses could be my biggest strengths?

Do I really believe that in order to be great that I must be weak?

That to be a leader I must be a servant?

What would my life look like and what would I be doing if I was to live completely in God's will?

And what does that look like day to day?

In school and work?

The things I wrestle with.

2010-12-01T16:50:00.000-05:00

8. more. days.

Dear God please help me.

The End is Drawing Near

2010-11-30T23:27:00.002-05:00

9 days left.!

Soooo excited :)

Just need to plug on through this one test, one final and 2 days of clinical! :D

Warning A Rant

2010-11-29T16:54:00.003-05:00

You know one of the things that really annoys me is when people make huge over arching generalizations about groups of people.
Especially about those of the opposite gender.

For example:

Women: "All men are jerks, liars and *explicative*"

Men: "All women are moody, backstabbing and dumb"

Excuse me? Ladies and gentleman. Are we still in kindergarten? I'm sorry but the whole "boys are better than girls" and "girls are better than boys" has been old to me since I was 6. I remember telling girls, "Girls are better than boys at somethings and boys are better than girls at somethings."

None of the girls liked that very much.

Seriously though--I see and hear alot of the young men and women my age still carrying on this ridiculousness and it's just one of my pet peeves.

Women
Can men be jerks? Yes. Can they lie? Yes.
News flash ladies! So can we. And honestly there are douche bag guys out there who are retarded and are only concerned about themselves. But honestly--going to a club and trying to find a boyfriend there...probablyyy isn't the best place to look.

Men
Can women be moody? Yes. Can we be backstabbing? I'm sure Can we be dumb? Yes.
So can you honestly though. And not all women are ditzy, dumb, and klutzy. I don't think I am dumb or ditzy. I think I can carry on a intelligent conversations and not come across as an idiot. I will admit I am a klutz though lol

Here's the truth ladies and gentlemen.

We are all screw ups.

Yes--you heard me right ALLLLLL of us. Men and women.

We are all human and we will all hurt each other. We all are sinners.

As long as we live in the broken world--we will hurt other and we will be hurt by others.
It's because we need to be redeemed.

So let's stop focusing on how everyone else has problems and how everyone else is hurting people.
Lets focus on what we can do.

How can we bring joy to people? How can we show compassion and love to those around us?

Let's try that instead.

2010-11-29T16:16:00.004-05:00

Today is just the kinda day that makes me want to crawl into my warm comfy bed and go to sleep.
It's just so cold and dreary out.

But then again I suppose it doesn't help that I contracted a bit of a cold last night does it?

Honestly I'm surprised that my body has held out this long--everyone in my family has gotten sick but I have somehow dodged the bullet...until now. :)

Oh well.

One's are what stand in my way right now...

One more clinical
One more test
and One more final
is all that is between me Christmas break right now!

You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to break--I plan on cooking and baking and cleaning and reading. Oh my reading--how I have missed you...only 10 more days!

Christmas is getting close too! I need to finish getting gifts.

Typically I'm pretty good at it--but I seem to have dropped the ball this year--whoooops. I shall blame school :)

In other news

God is amazing.

Not an all inclusive list :)

2010-11-25T17:11:00.002-05:00

I am thankful for:

God. Always and forever. But never as much as I should be

The Bible

My amazing boyfriend--who has managed to put up with me for almost 3 years :)

My family. Specially my mommy :)

Friends

Church (which isn't a building or a service or somewhere you go--the church is people :))

Cinnamon rolls

Trees

Nursing School

A car to drive

Crunchy leaves

Blankets

Pillows

Sleep!

Love

Grace

Mercy

Justice

Francis Chan

Brant Hanson

Wind

The sky

Stars

BOOKS!

Kisses

Hugs

Smiles

Laughs

Words

ect, ect, ect. :)

2010-11-16T19:07:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4Zn4_TluKE&feature=channel

You should watch this video.

I love Tenth Avenue North.

And this is one of my favorite songs.

It resonates deep within me.

2010-11-01T15:53:00.001-04:00

I have much to be thankful for.

God please help me remember.

2010-10-27T21:20:00.001-04:00

DON’T QUIT
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you frown a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you can never tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,

It’s when things seem worst

That you must not quit.

Author Unknown

2010-09-27T19:24:00.002-04:00

I love books :)

And I'm so not even kidding :P

2010-09-27T14:11:00.002-04:00

"We are an odd race capable of both martyrdom and murder, poetry and rape, worship and abortion. And Christianity explains why: we are both the Spirit-breathed children of God and the expelled rebels of the kingdom. In the ways that matter most, we're all from the Garden of Eden. We've all listened to the snake. Yet we're also children of the Father. We are far worse than we would ever on our own admit and loved by God more deeply than we would ever dare to dream. We are both worthless and priceless, terrorist and saints, lost and homeward bound."
-Sailing Between the Stars

2010-09-27T00:46:00.002-04:00

Nothing can separate

Even if I ran away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes, but

You have new mercy for me everyday

Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night

But joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage

I dont have to be afraid

Because I know that you love me

And your love never fails

The wind is strong and the waters deep, but

Im not alone here in these open seas

Cause your love never fails

The chasm was far too wide

I never thought Id reach the other side

But your love never fails

You make all things, work together for my good

-Jesus Culture

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love this song.

It reaches down in me and pulls at my heart.

We sang it today at Mosaic.

I forget myself as the words wash over me and I cry out the words--

Because I know they are truth.

But sometimes it's hard to remember that sometimes.

I know God's love never fails.
I know.

I know.

Ask me about it and that's what I'll tell you.

But do I believe it?

Does do my actions shout that to the world?

Deep down sometimes I don't think I quite know it.

Part of me is scared that he loves like people love.

How I love.

God, open my eyes and help me see.

2009-11-03T00:33:00.001-05:00

God. You. Are. Good.

Even if today hadn't happened you would be--why is it when I calm down and trust you--that things happen?
lol

2009-10-28T00:44:00.001-04:00

Another lovely day...

Thank you God. =)

2009-10-22T21:24:00.002-04:00

God, thanks for that.

You do care.

2009-08-30T21:42:00.002-04:00

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." -CSL

2009-08-16T15:40:00.002-04:00

You know what I so appreciate about God--He knows exactly what I can handle and then rescues me.

Mind you I hate it when I'm in the middle of something and I wish that he wouldn't let me handle anything.

But ya know--he's smarter than I am...

2009-08-13T14:30:00.003-04:00

A friend loves at all times.

Not just the times when convenient.
Not just the times when it's easy.
Not just the times when they are loved in return.

All the time.

God help me do this.

I'm called to this right now--help me do it and do it well.

2009-08-13T10:16:00.000-04:00

"love is unconditional. it is giving as God has given me."
Dear God--help me get this...

2009-08-02T13:02:00.002-04:00

I hate and am so sick of emotional rollercoaster.

*this is lame face*

He found me.

2009-07-28T14:18:00.003-04:00

I wrestle. I fight. I kick. I scream. I rant. I rage.

And God loves through it all.

He doesn't give me the answers I want.

He doesn't make things perfectly clear.

But he's patient.

And He finds me.

He finds me in my little corner, crying, sobbing, a mess.

He finds me in pain and sorrow.

He finds me when I've run away and can't find my way back.

He finds me.

And then he brings me home.

And he loves you too.

I struggle with this.

2009-07-27T14:09:00.005-04:00

"What He [God] does not want is our silence, in the service of a narrow definition of what constitutes "encouraging.""

Ouch. I don't believe that. I know it is true in my head- but for some reason I don't think this is true of God.

I apply what I know about the majority of the human race to God.

Cause honestly the majority of humanity doesn't really want to know what you think--they don't want you to be honest. When they ask a question they really don't want to hear what you think or feel. They want to hear the "right" answer. And it's not that uncommon when you don't give them the answer they so desire that, tempers flare and things go downhill.

I think I drag this baggage of my past and present human relationships into my relationship with God.

I pretty up myself before I pray--instead of being honest. Instead of going before the one who already knows exactly what's going on in my head honestly--I try to say what I think he wants me to say. I try to say the "right" thing.

Instead of just crawling on his lap and bawling my eyes out.
Instead of being real.

"God is revealed in our weakness, in our heart cries, and in our humanness. He made us this way. And He loves us -- the honest us. What He doesn't want, and what He can't stand, is a religious charade."

"I'm so glad even that scandal is in the Bible. God is mysterious. He is good, but you don't have Him all figured out, either. He is mysterious. And he honors our pursuit of Him -- our honest pursuit of Him. Maybe He can handle more than you think."

I want a God that I can have figured out. I want a box God. Oh God himself knows that I want a box God right now.

I want a God that makes sense. That isn't crazy and wild. I want a God that works with reason and sense. I don't want a mysterious God.

I don't want scandal. Even though I know there wouldn't be the scandal that is God's grace and his forgiveness and his absolute crazy ridiculous love.

It's just I'm so worn out.

I'm tired of this crazy journey that I've been on and that I'm still on. I'm tired of being dragged along on a wild roller coaster of a ride.

There God you want honesty--there you go.

2009-05-18T23:22:00.002-04:00

Dying and Heaven doesn't sound bad right now. At all.

Life sucks sometimes.

Really really really really sucks.

I'm afraid and this is hard.
And I haven't cried this much...in a long time.

More of a Journal Entry...

2009-05-17T23:48:00.001-04:00

I had a splendid day Saturday--it was a much needed day off from...everything.

I hung out with Lauren alllll day, and the guys for part--they had to leave early though. Between talking, eating, laughing, pool, goofing off, pool, talking, eating, taking walks through spider webs, picking wildflowers, laughing, and then finishing it off---- sitting on a deck facing a tall wood (I love woods) having good conversation; it was a very close to perfect day. It was lovely. I miss those people. Alot.

Anywaysssss

School starts Tuesday!!!!!!!! =D I'm so excited!

Haha, ok not really. At all actually.

But you gotta do what you gotta do. =)

Six weeks of almost 4 hour classes every Tuesday&Thursday doesn't exactly sound exactly...thrilling but it's ok. =)

This is my prayer.

Dear Father/God/Jesus,

I want to love you more. I want to know you more.
Do WHATEVER it takes to get my attention.
If I lose my job--it's just a job.
If I have to lose my family--it's just a family.
If I have to lose every single one of my friends--their just friends.
If I have to lose my boyfriend...he's just a boyfriend.

Even if you have to take my life--take my life.

It's just a life.

Show me how much more You are.
Show me how much more You are worth.

LoveYou Amen,

--Ming

PS. Corny and sounds almost fake--but I do mean it...

All The Broken Pieces

2009-05-15T02:30:00.000-04:00

Did you feel, feel it ~~break~~
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost
Feels like your innocence is lost
So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It’s like no matter how you try
Perfection’s just too far away

So lift them up to me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life
To me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do
And that’s the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways

I can take even your greatest ~~mistake~~
Every scar, every tear, every ~~break~~
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen
So lift them up to Me
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know about you but what is it about night that makes one (me) become introspective...

Bleh.

It's like I have words pent up in my head and their aching to escape through my mouth, my fingers. Anywhere. But it's like when they do come out, they're all jumbled and confused, not actually conveying everything that my head longs to convey. They do not say anything like what my heart is aching for them to say.

It's a very frustrating and maddening thing. *scowl*

Grrrrr.

LiFe.

2009-05-08T01:30:00.000-04:00

I know a girl who’s growing up too fast
She’s ~~stuck~~ between her future and her past
‘Cause she’s just a baby but the doctors say
She’s got a baby on the way

And now the devastation makes her start to cry
How could this be happening she wonders why
But they’re talking options like it’s just another day
And the choice is hers to make

There’s a life inside you
There’s a beating heart
There’s a child of wonder
Shining like a star
There’s a life inside you

I know a boy who’s all caught up
In his addictions and they’re ~~tearing~~ him up
And now he’s hearing voices telling him it’s time to let go
But if I could talk to that boy
I would die for him to know

We all arrive here in this place
Imperfect people in need of grace
But that’s why God sent His only Son to ~~die~~
So that every broken heart could have a life inside
So, just open up your broken heart
Can you feel it …

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So kids...How are you guys doing?

My life has been....interesting as of late. To say the least....

I finished my class this semester with a good average so I'm relieved about that--I'm taking a summer class that starts in just over a week so I'm not exactly jumping for joy about that. =P

6 weeks of no Frisbee on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Lol that sounds incredibly dorky...lol It's nothing what it use to be but it's fun sometimes lol Alright I'm going to shut up about it now.

Anyways. I have a way of getting myself into impossible situations...did you know this? Life will be moving merrily along and then all of a sudden I run into some brick wall of a situation.

I miss old friends. Badly. I ranted about it. lol
Lol Airband kids? We were really stupid sometimes--but it was so much fun. lol

2009-05-05T01:32:00.000-04:00

I should be studying right now. I have a final today. But I'm so tired of school.

^^ I wrote that this afternoon =P

But then I went and took my final and I didn't fail so life is good.

One more test Wednesday and then I am done! =) It makes me very happy.

Until the 18th when I start my summer class. -_- Kinda sucks the fun right of getting off of school huh? =P
Oh wellllll.

I want to do something with my life. I don't know what though right now and it's driving me crazy....

I want a spreadsheet.

Really really bad.

Gah.

LiFe.

2009-04-27T01:59:00.001-04:00

I'm so ready to be done with school.

So.

Ready.

Obsession and a ton of other thoughts that follow no coherent order...

2009-04-21T04:24:00.000-04:00

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...for You

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

my love burns for You
and my heart feels for You
my life good for You
all i have burns for you you
burns, burns, oh la la la la la la
my love burns for You
and my heart burns for You
my love burns
my heart feel
my life good
all i have for you

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know when you're heart burns aches and hurts? You know the feeling?
It's twisting in your chest with a pain that's not really quite describable?

You know?

I miss my God peoples. I miss long talks, I miss being close, I miss smiling at the thought of a Father that loves me so much that'd he'd cross eternity just to find me. I miss Him so much. God and I were chums. Eternal King and me--unlikely pair, tell me about it.

But come and listen--let me tell you what he's done for you--done for me--done for us.

No seriously, sit down let's talk.

Engage--discuss.

The awesome power, persistance, wild, crazy, loving, Lord that I know as my Father.

I know it's unpopular to believe what I believe. Maybe not in the circles that you run in--but I'm starting to learn what it's like to be in the world. Engaging and loving people who are living in a way that runs contrary to everything I've ever been taught was right. Becoming really good friends with them--it's very annoying actually. Because then you know...you actually start caring. I'm not saying the fake "Oh I want everyone to go to heaven." type deal. I'm talking about the keeping awake til all hours wondering how on earth you can be an example to them to make Christ look attractive to them. All the while knowing how far you fall short everyday. It's enough to get inside your head and keep you up... How do you tell someone without being preachy? How do you show a person you really truly care?

Have I been holding on to these things, people, relationships to tightly?

This whole leave everything behind if you want to follow me thing is hard.

Worth it in the end--I know.

But it's really freaking hard.

I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

Cause it doesn't just feel like you're ripping your heart out.
It doesn't just hurt you.
It's gonna hurt other people to.

But is God worth it to me?

He is. He so is. The person that crossed history, eternity, and stretched his arms across a cross to pay a price for me.... He's worth my life and more. I miss him I love him kids.

So much it makes my heart ache.

And what's a person to do about that....

I love Him.

It's not about life kids.

It's really not, I know it seems like it sometimes but it's not.

It's not about school, it's not about getting a good job, it's not about the husband or the wife, it's not about the house and the morgage, it's not about the kids, it's not about life.

It's about God and people in that order.

More specifically loving God and loving people in that order.

In trying to save your life--you will lose it.
In losing your life--you will save it.
The dichotomies of the kingdom of Heaven.

In living you die and in dying you live.

I know it doesn't feel that way but it is.

Holding on--losing everything
Letting go--gaining better grip.

It really doesn't make sense--but it's not called faith and trust for nothing.

Love much kids.

I'm going to try and sleep.

Love radically, crazily, and ridiculously. -- Kinda like how God loves you.

All over the place. (it's how my brain works)

Quote

Super Cute

I love...

Sometimes songs say it better than I ever could.

Long time coming...

Jason Gray!

random

One of those days.

Random thoughts...

Longggggggggggg

fair or forgiveness.?

silly people

My anthem today.

Honestly.

I think I would be friends with Jason Gray...

Muddled Thoughts.

random.

*sigh*

Only in Nursing School...

Nasty little things viruses are...lol

What do I carry.

Love it. Read it.

Sometimes David Crowder Lyrics

Hmmmm

I love this song.

We rebelled. God loved. We fought His ways. God made a peace offering. Grace is gloriously backwards!

real forgiveness

List

Wrestle

The End is Drawing Near

*Warning* A Rant

Not an all inclusive list :)

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." -CSL

He found me.

I struggle with this.

More of a Journal Entry...

All The Broken Pieces

LiFe.

Obsession and a ton of other thoughts that follow no coherent order...

sigh

Warning A Rant